Decisions

I messaged this to you last night, but want to have it on here so that it is very clear as to why we are standing so firm on our decision for what will happen when you get back.  We have spoken to a good friend of mine who is a licensed counselor and works at DBU as a professor of counseling for their master's program as well as serves as a personal counselor several days a week after school and on Saturdays.  Jeremy and I took some time to think on it and pray to make sure it was the right thing to do.  Here is the letter I sent:

Jeremy and I have had lots of talks about how things will be and what will be best for all involved when you come back in several weeks. I’m going to ask that you read all the way through to the end to understand fully where we are coming from.

We have been trying to figure out exactly how everything is going to work when you get back to the States. Obviously we can’t plan much in advance and we can’t know exactly how everything will work. But we can plan what we do know and make wise decisions based on the information that we have. And we’ve talked with a counselor as well as Jeremy talked to your parents today about our decision so that they would understand where we are coming from.

There are three items that are the top priority in regards to you returning to the States:

1. Madi
2. Your relationship with Madi
3. Madi

We believe that our role as parents needs to be transferred to you. That what is best for Madi is that you take the role as her Mom as soon as you are here. It will not benefit her to have you making decisions for her and us making decisions for her. It will not help her to view you as an adult and parent if you are following our household rules and taking the role of one of our children instead of leading as an adult in your home. And Madi being able to see you as her Mom and not her peer/sister/roommate will be very important from the moment you come. She will have respect for you if you take on the role of parent immediately rather than relying on us to help or co-parenting alongside you. She needs to see that you will provide and take care of her and act as the leader of your home – not in ours.

Madi will also need to know that you are the adult that she is to be loyal and listen to. That she can bring her gladness, sadness, worry, fear, and happiness to. That we will turn over the role of parent to you and that we will take on the role of uncle and aunt. She should not be torn between being loyal to you or loyal to us. Or worrying about making sure that you are ok. Or worrying about finances and adult worries. Or wondering how things will go when you’re on your own. And these are all things that she has felt or expressed concern about in various ways. She needs to see quickly that being together will be good and that she can be your daughter and you can be her mom. Without us being in the mix. And that you can make things work outside of our home. And that it is ok for her to be a child.

The most important thing will be for you both to reconnect and discover your relationship new. You had different roles in the Philippines and you will now have other roles when you come back. And you’ll need to learn each other again and develop your relationship without our influence. 

All that being said, we have decided to give you a time frame to stay at our home as well as a firm date that you and Madi need to have your own place – whether that is renting an apartment month to month, Budget Suites or renting a house. The reason being that you can not become a unit and function in a healthy mother-daughter relationship if you are dependent on us as well or coexisting with us. It won’t be healthy for any of us. 

Our time frame may seem short, but it is actually longer than was recommended to us. When you arrive, you and Madi will be able to stay with us for two weeks. December 1st will be your final day living with us and you will need to have other arrangements made by this date and be out of our home at or before this date.

We will have Madi partially packed the few days or week before you come. And we have already discussed all of this with her throughout this past week so that she can be preparing. Your parents are also aware of this. We wanted them in the loop so that they would understand we’re not doing it out of anger or bitterness or revenge or selfishness. That we truly want you and Madi to have a chance to make life work for you. And having us serve in our natural roles of Uncle and Aunt will be vital to helping you both figure out your relationships and reconnecting. We would be standing in the way to do something different.

It has taken us some time to think and pray about it. And we have not tried to wait until the last minute to talk to you. It has definitely been a process of deciding what is best for everyone involved.

You may feel slighted or frustrated or angry. But we do believe that you will come to understand that your family – you and Madi – and your roles together will be the most vital decision. And that to be in our home for a few months will not allow that relationship to develop correctly.

Please feel free to respond. We are firm on our date and the information and feel whole-heartedly that this will be best. I’ve tried to explain to the best of my ability in this letter. It may sound heartless and I hope it doesn’t. It may sound tough and yes, it is. But your role has to be that of Mom. And Madi will respect you so much more and be able to follow your leadership so much better as a result.

We love her. We love you. 

Love,
Jeremy and Jess