Has been a good weekend. Annaliese, Madi's good friend from school, came over and spent the night last night. We went for a walk to the park. The girls took the walkie talkie and went ahead of us. Just reported in as they went. Gave them space and freedom, but gave us security in knowing where they were. We played for about an hour and then came home.
Jeremy made Madi's favorite meal - chicken with pasta and cream sauce with parmesan cheese. Then the girls had Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. They loved it. They had a hard time deciding on a movie, but finally went with "Elf!" Jeremy and I went upstairs and hung out in our room watching Mad Men on the laptop. Heard them giggling a few times. They were quite good. The girls went into Madi's room around 11pm. Madi was very tired, but Annaliese wanted to stay up quite late. Jeremy and I went right to sleep in our room, but the girls were up until 12:30pm. Madi woke up at 4am. Annaliese woke up around 5pm, I think?! Riley and Jules were up at the usual 6:15am time. So early morning all the way around.
Annaliese and Madi played a little bit in the morning. Madi kept going to play on the computer and leaving her friend with nothing to do. So she played with Julia in the playroom. Jeremy took the girls to get donuts while I had my piano student. Kept it from being totally crazy trying to teach her. And gave them something fun to do.
My mom picked up Riley to run some errands and let her hang out at her house in the afternoon. Gave us a chance to have a short talk with Madi and allow us to all rest when Julia took her nap. Was a God send!
We had lunch and then Madi did her FasttMath for the day. We sat on the couches and asked Madi to come chat with us. We had listed out five things we wanted to talk with her about:
1- What went well at the sleepover?
2 - What did not go well at the sleepover?
3 - Friends
4 - Choices
5 - Consequences
Before we had the talk, we both read a little bit in the Children: the Challenge book as well as referred to a few sites on the internet to gather some information. There were a few things that came up - especially on Friday - that we were not pleased with and that needed to be discussed with her. And though we weren't happy about the choices involved with them, we didn't want to approach it in anger. Knowing that the sleepover had planned for a while, we wanted to still keep that as we wanted to watch the interaction between the girls and get an idea of their friendship and how they relate to each other.
So we asked her the first two questions. Madi listed a few things that went well at the sleepover. We agreed. Then she listed two things that did not go well at the sleepover. Namely that the girls interact negatively with each other (saying "I hate you" (this was not something Madi said) or shoving or pushing each other even if it was just considered "playing" by them). And that Madi kept leaving her friend when she didn't want to do something or didn't know what to do with her and had to be reminded several times to spend time with her friend.
We let that lead into a time of talking about the importance of choosing your friends wisely. And we talked about how your friends influence you in the choices you make in life. Gave her the quote "Show me your friends, I'll show you your future." Choosing the wrong friends leads you to a future that isn't so great. And now is the time to make sure you get the right friends and make sure you are happy with the choices they make.
We tied this into how she felt when told "I hate you" or "Go away" or a range of things that were said in "joking." She said she didn't like it when she was really mad about it and that she didn't want her to be mad, but that she felt ok with it. So we talked about what a true friend should do: make you feel special, talk to you respectfully, treat you respectfully, lift you up and not tear you down. And if they don't do these things, they are not the kind of friends you want to have. So we told her that if she decides that she is not liking how she is being treated, she has the right to say "I'm just wanting to be alone right now" or "I'm going to play with ____ today. I'll play with you again some other time." And that if there is a problem with it, then it will show her the true value (or lack thereof) of that friendship.
The other thing we talked about her with (in regards to friends) was on her end. Through her actions, bossiness, bragging and meanness to other students who are the right kind of friends that you want her to have, they are choosing not to spend time with her. They are not being mean to her or leaving her out. Rather they are just choosing to spend time with other students.
Mrs. Campbell had a talk with her on Friday because she was bossing a friend in class. This is something that is done often - the bossing, not the talk. Madi isn't aware of how she treats others and tends to blame everyone else rather than looking at her behavior.
Mrs. Campbell told her that she needs to think through her actions because through her actions and the way she is treating others and talking to them, she is pushing every friend she has away from her. She asked if she hurt her feelings by telling her this. Madi said "yes." And Mrs. Campbell told her "It is something that has been going on for a while now and you need to think through your actions. I don't want you to lose the good friends you have. And you need to be aware of what is happening. It makes me sad to be the one to tell you, but you need to know so that you can continue to have good friends. And the right friends."
There's really not an easy way to say this - other than to say she is absolutely right. We've watched as she's gone from being with the "right" kids to now being with kids who are just ok. The good news is that the "right" kids still like her and would gladly accept her if she can start thinking more about them and less about talking about how amazing she is and making them feel bad about themselves or bragging or bossing or rolling her eyes at them. She had a hard time hearing the talk from Mrs. Campbell as well as our talk today. Though she completely understood what we were saying.
We then tied this into talking about being aware of her surroundings and aware of others and aware of what she is supposed to do in the mornings and at night. We had her list out on Thursday what her responsibilities are. She was able to completely list every single one of them. And she knows what she is supposed to do. Just is choosing to read. Or dawdle. Or not do them at all.
For instance, every morning her vitamins and her zyrtec are on the counter - without fail. Always in the same place. She's been picking up her vitamins, walking around or doing other things and forgetting the zyrtec. Which is something she very much needs! We've been waiting for her to pick it up. After over 30 minutes this morning, Jeremy goes "Hey Madi - did you take your zyrtec?" To which she mumbled something and still didn't come and get it. Walked by it two more times and finally I had to point to it and say "Do you need this?"
On Thursday night, Madi went up and changed into her pjs. We had just talked with her about being aware of what she needed to do. And she had just listed out what needed to be done at night (snack packed, water filled, planner out, pjs on, teeth brushed). Jeremy goes in to read with her and she's reading. Asked if she brushed her teeth to which she replies "Oh I forgot."
She gave us the excuse that she's been in the Philippines for three years and just didn't have to remember things. To which Jeremy replied that she needed to stop the excuses because she has now been here five months and knows the expectations. There isn't anything new that we've added. And she can handle them. School has been in session 8 weeks. A habit takes 21 days to change and she's had more than that amount of time. Not to mention our routine stuff stays the same every single night without change. We let her know that we don't make excuses for her. That it doesn't help you in life. She needs to be responsible and take responsibility for what needs to be done rather than making excuses. Excuses don't help her - they hinder her and keep her from achieving what she can achieve. In school and in chores and homework and just daily tasks.
We talked about where she will be in 8-9 years. Graduating high school. Looking at colleges. Moving out on her own. And needing to be able to make the right choices without someone there. Being accountable. We told her that she has so many things going for her: beauty, brains, heritage, fun, friendly, outgoing. But that if she can't figure out how to focus her talents and her intelligence, she'll have a more difficult time getting things done. We told her that the world is in her hands. She will have so many opportunities waiting for her if she can make the right decisions now and learn responsibility and character now. We told her that it seems like it's far away, but it really isn't. And that good character and right choices start young so that your future can be the best possible. And that we all want the best for her.
We talked about her choices at school. Mrs. Campbell pulled me aside on Friday and gave me the pointy hook that is used on the loom to pull yarn over with. Quite sharp. She took it from her in the morning. Though Madi told us she had taken it to school the last three days and out to recess on Wednesday. She asked Madi why she had it. Madi told her she was going to stab woodchips on recess and poke holes in them and toss them with it.
**Side note: the hook is considered a weapon at school as it is sharp and could definitely hurt someone if poked. This almost resulted in an office referral and could have gotten quite ugly. Either suspension or possibly even expelled. Not to mention that the only things allowed outside on recess are balls and things in the bin from the room. They are not allowed to have toys or small items like this in school. She knows this, but chose to do it anyway on Wednesday.
Moving on - she had been stabbing her eraser with it during class and was rubbing the eraser on her paper and other things. And was not on task in class with it. When asked why she had it, Madi told her what her plan was for it. She was asked if I knew that she had it. To which Madi lied and said "Yes, she knows." Mrs. Campbell asked her again if I knew that she had it. Then Madi said "No, she doesn't."
I was asked what we should do about it. I told her that I would think about it. She was ready to write up an office referral. I asked her to have her sign her planner which causes her to miss out of a fun activity and told her that we would deal with it at home. And if it happened again, she is free to do what she needs to do.
I had Madi's class that morning and then pulled her aside to talk to her briefly before going to class. Gave her a "come to Jesus" meeting, sent her to class and told her I would find out how the afternoon went before deciding to cancel or keep the sleepover. The only reason we ended up keeping it was because it is truly necessary for us to see the girls in action together.
So finally to the consequences! Sorry this is so long winded! We chose to take away all computer time and iPod time for the entire weekend. She is to think through all we talked about. Writing it down took more time than our talk did. She is going to bed early. And there will not be another sleepover for a while until we see how things go with how she's treating others. Doesn't seem to harsh for what is going on, but we feel that Madi has two things that she loves. Three really: reading, ipod, and computer. We took away two of her favorite weekend activities. And if we don't see improvements, we'll do more.
We've had a few weeks of lull. And I am tracking on the calendar every 28 days to see how hormones may be playing out. We're a little less than a week away from it being 28 days. We have no plans of giving her the excuse of hormones, but definitely want to be aware of the fact that she may be having them. If we do, she'll use it and become manipulative about it. Instead she needs to learn how to manage them. Some of that includes good sleep, good nutrition and exercise. Some of it includes life choices and just figuring life out. And now is definitely the right age to help her work through her behavior choices and to be aware of the consequences of her actions.
On a good note - we had a great afternoon. Had Pei Wei for dinner after Madi had a good nap. Came home and Madi and I read Luke 15. Perfect chapter talking about choosing to be humble rather than exalting yourself to others. We chatted for a while and laughed. Then prayed for wisdom, guidance, right choices and help in making the right friends.
It was a lot for her to think on. And she cried at the end of the talk. Sometimes she makes herself cry - she's very good at this and can do it on command. Today was not that kind of cry. It was sincere and she was genuinely thinking about it. Didn't have anything to add at the end of the talk. Just took it in.
We love her and we love you guys! She'll be all the better for thinking through all of this and then moving forward. As Jeremy says, we tend to lay it on heavy, have big girl talks and then ease back and let her work through it. And just help guide from there. Giving her the responsibility for her actions/choices.
No comments:
Post a Comment